The Past Reborn
by Kamui Asagi
Summary: My first fanfic...about Shinji remembering Kaworu, and him coming to terms with things


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The Past Reborn

By: Kamui Asagi

Shinji stared at the Eva. And the Eva stared back at him…at least, Shinji thought it did. He walked on the catwalk to the other side of the platform and turned back. The purple plating gleamed brilliantly in the bright lights of NERV. As it should have, considering it was just washed down after…after. Shinji fell to his knees and hung his head down. Tears began to flow down his face and fall silently onto his pants. He brought his hands to his face, but stopped when he realized they were shaking.

"Damn it…Why? Why did you make me do it?" He thought.

He grabbed the bar on the edge of the platform and hauled himself up to his feet, he felt as if there were hundreds of weights on his shoulders. It might as well have been, because when you take a life, you take the burden with you. Shinji stumbled threw the blinding halls of NERV, he didn't have any place to go, no one to see. He just wanted to walk and stop whenever he felt like it. He picked his head up and realized he was in the cafeteria overlooking the Geo-front. He took his hand off the wall he was using for support and went over to the vending machine. He wanted some tea, he didn't care what kind, any kind would do. He swiped his NERV card threw the slot and made his selection. He brought the freshly brewed tea to a table in the corner by the window, and sat down.

"Damn it…Damn it all." He thought.

Everyone in the room glanced at him occasionally, they all pretty much knew the pain he was going threw. Most of them had lost someone during the second impact. But none of them knew this kind of loss, they had never taken a life before. So their pain was nothing compared to Shinji's pain. Shinji brought the cup to his lips bringing the sweet vapors into his lungs. He sipped the tea, Green tea; one of Shinji's favorites. Without knowing it Misato had walked into the cafeteria looking for him.

"Maya, have you seen Shinji?" Misato asked, "I'm worried about him."

"Yeah, he's over there," Maya pointed to the table, "Poor kid, I feel awful."

"Everyone does," Misato answered, "Thanks Maya." 

Misato walked between the tables of the café never taking her eyes off of Shinji, Then she stopped and stared threw the window. The Geo-front, a wondrous and beautiful scene. Sure, it was all man made… the civilization in it at least was man made. But still, it was a wondrous thing and it could have all been gone with one simple touch from Kaworu. She snapped back from her thoughts and continued her walk toward Shinji's table. She sat down opposite of Shinji and watched him. Shinji continued sipping at his tea and staring out at the Geo-front, his eyes red from all the tears of pain.

"Are you alright?" Misato asked leaning over the table.

Shinji turned from the window and he looked into Misatos' eyes. "I guess."

"You don't look alright."

"Of course I'm not alright!" Shinji smashed the table with his hand. "I…I killed him…I used my hands to kill him." Shinji said with tears renewed in his face.

"You had no choice Shinji, he wished for Death." Misato said touching his hand.

"Don't touch me… just leave me alone," Shinji said with tears running down his face, "I wish I could have been in that…that Beasts hand…instead of Kaworu."

Silence. Misato didn't know how to respond to this statement. She had never been in Shinji's position, she had never taken a friends life. Then, she thought of Kaji, his smile, his voice, his annoying stubble. She smiled a little for the first time in about 3 weeks. Then she joined Shinji in crying. They both just sat there, crying.

"Shinji," Misato said, "You had no choice…you may think other wise though,"

"But…" Shinji started to speak but Misato silenced him,

"As long as….as long as you never forget about that person that means so much too you…if you never forget them, they'll never leave you." Misato finished and walked away and out of the cafeteria.

Shinji sat at the table and stared into his tea. Her words were so simple, yet they meant so much to him. Shinji got up from his table and left as well. He walked threw the halls of NERV once again, but this time he had places to go, a person to remember. He walked into the showers, nobody was there, and he walked over to the baths. He looked at it and remembered when Kaworu had placed his hand on Shinji's hand. And he said, "I love you." He left the baths and walked down the halls again. He saw Kaworu's old room, where he had spent the night. Tears were beginning to find their way back into his eyes, but he kept going. The cage was his next stop. He stood before the now silent Unit 02. The red plating gleamed in the lights just as Unit 01 did, except it cast a red glow over the room. Red…the color of blood, Shinji thought. He fell to his knees again and started to cry again.

"No, no…not yet. Don't stop, don't run away again." Shinji thought.

He rose to his feet again and rushed over the cat walk to the tram. In a few minutes, Shinji was standing on the edge of the lake that Unit 00 had created where the once magnificent Tokyo-3 stood. Shinji walked to the edge of the water, it gently lapped against his sneakers. He took a deep breath and stepped into the water, it was cool and refreshing. He continued to walk into the water until he had to swim, he swam to where he had first met Kaworu. That jagged piece of metal. As Shinji got closer to it, he realized it was no longer a jagged piece of metal; but an angel with only one wing and no head. Shinji swam up to it and touched it, cold…like a corpse. He climbed up onto the back of the metallic angel and sat facing the mountains. The sun was setting, it was so beautiful. Fiery orange, red, and yellow melted into each other; then they slowly went away into and endless sea of blue, purple, and then black. Shinji thought about this for awhile with tears running down his cheek and silently falling into the Tokyo-3 lake. 

"Is this what life is like? A sunset? It's so beautiful, yet…it's scary at the same time."

He continued to watch the sunset, the sun falling behind the mountains. Shinji began to hum. It was "Ode to Joy", the song Kaworu always seemed to be carrying in his heart.

"Yes…I see it now, why I should be happy," Shinji thought to himself, "You will be with me always Kaworu, and I will be with you one day."

The sun finished setting, leaving Shinji in a world of darkness. Yet, as the last tear fell from his cheek, a smile formed on his face; and for the first time in a long time, Shinji was happy and not alone. 


End file.
